The Psychology of Forgiveness

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To forgive or not to forgive: that is NOT the question. Whether to forgive or not is akin to asking whether we should get a good night’s sleep or eat a balanced diet. We simply do not function optimally if we resist either; the latter benefiting our physical well-being, the former our psycho-spiritual well-being.

“Oh, I’ve let that go. I’ve forgiven my best friend for betraying me. The Bible says we have to forgive but I can’t stand that @#*&#@!$^#.” And so goes the type of “forgiveness” I hear expressed so often; forgiveness born of obligation, not authenticity. Forgiveness confined to the head, void of the heart and soul. Authentic forgiveness occurs when one is liberated from the negative thought and feeling patterns inspired by the offending event. With true forgiveness the impulse to describe someone as @#*&#@!$^# ceases to exist.

HOWEVER…

Forgetting is another story. We are meant to learn from history. Acts that require forgiveness are acts that bring wisdom for the journey ahead. Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. Forgetting egregious acts committed against us only renders us fools as the lessons missed leave us vulnerable to repeated offenses.

Most of us already know this…most of us. Many insist on forgetting, too often out of distorted teachings associated with forgiveness. Fortunately these distortions are being corrected. Unfortunately what remains is the directive to forgive without much instruction on how to forgive.

The What
Forgiveness is an emotional, cognitive and behavioral process that is ultimately a matter of realignment. The opposite of forgiveness is resentment. For there to be resentment, some actual or perceived wound has been inflicted by another, resulting in a feeling of vulnerability and fear. Fear fuels the resentment which is essentially anger. Anger/resentment is a defensive stance that seeks to protect against future hurt. Forgiveness occurs once the sense of power and control lost through the offending incident is reclaimed.

The How
Forgiveness requires the processing of emotions associated with the offending event – hurt, sadness, anger and especially fear. Dealing with fear involves exploring the risks associated with forgiveness. The following questions are useful in understanding the nature of resistance to forgiving and constitute much of the process that moves us toward forgiveness.

What might happen if I forgive?
What might I have to give up to forgive (i.e. sense of being right, sympathy for being a victim, etc)?
What might I have to do differently?
What will happen if I don’t forgive?
What are the payoffs for holding on to the resentment?
What are the costs of holding on to the resentment?

To forgive one must come to accept that maintaining the resentment is only hurting oneself. What happened cannot be controlled or changed, only how we choose to think about it. If we have discharged feelings about the event numerous times and nothing has changed, the problem is our thought process. Continuing to think about the event the same way produces the same negative feelings because the wound is continuously re-experienced. Essentially you continuously wound yourself long after the person is gone and the circumstance has ended.

Whereas forgiveness of others requires dealing with anger, sadness, and fear; forgiving oneself often requires attending to the added burdens of shame and guilt. For those reasons forgiving oneself can be a more arduous task than forgiving others. Many of the aforementioned questions related to forgiveness are usefully applied when bound by shame and guilt.

Ultimately forgiveness is the reclaiming of aspects of self (i.e. sense of power and control) lost during the wounding experience. Once we are realigned with our inner strength, grounded and have reestablished our sense of security, we gain reprieve from the emotional hold of the past and are able to move beyond the fear-based stance of resentment.

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Discerning Compassion

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Compassion: “An emotion that is a sense of shared suffering, most often combined with a desire to alleviate or reduce the suffering of another; to show special kindness to those who suffer. Compassion essentially arises through empathy, and is often characterized through actions, wherein a person acting with compassion will seek to aid those they feel compassionate for. Compassionate acts are generally considered those which take into account the suffering of others and attempt to alleviate that suffering as if it were one’s own. In this sense, the various forms of the Golden Rule are clearly based on the concept of compassion. Compassion differs from other forms of helpful or humane behavior in that its focus is primarily on the alleviation of suffering. Compassion is considered in all major religious traditions as being among the greatest of virtues.” Wikipedia

Compassion: “Deep Awareness of the suffering of another without the need to relieve it, feeling total appreciation for its value; a state of non judgment.” Jelailah Starr

I elected to write on compassion for the simple reason that our world needs more of it. I am a firm believer that we must place our attention on our intentions. To create a more compassionate world we must redirect our focus collectively and individually.

Mother Theresa once stated that she would not attend an anti-war rally but would attend a pro peace rally. If attention is on war, war remains in consciousness. If attention is redirected toward peace, peace is in our consciousness. What is in our consciousness influences conscious action.

As stated by the Buddha, “With our thoughts, we make the world“. From our thoughts come our words and from our words, our conversation. From our conversation comes a reinforcement of that which we speak. Thus, the prescription for a healthier world is greater attention on virtue not vice, solution not problem, cooperation not competition, peace not war, forgiveness not vengeance, compassion not condemnation.

Two similar yet distinct definitions of compassion are presented above. Both emphasize deep awareness of the suffering of another. The former suggests compassion in action where suffering is sought to be alleviated. The latter focuses on non action and appreciating the value of suffering.

Starr’s definition implies that suffering is an inherently valuable part of the human experience. Seeking to relieve the suffering of another is an interruption of the natural psycho-spiritual process of growth and healing. To better illustrate this point I am reminded of the story about a butterfly struggling to emerge from its cocoon. As the story goes:

A college student studying entomology found himself watching a butterfly struggling to free itself of its cocoon.

He thought, “Here is where I can step in and help.” He took a very sharp instrument and slit the sides of the cocoon so it would open more quickly and the butterfly could emerge. The butterfly did emerge. It flew out of the cocoon and fell straight to the ground. It started to fly again, and once more, fell to the ground.

The student discovered that his plan to help the butterfly was actually a liability. During its struggle to free itself of the cocoon, the butterfly develops its wings. It gains strength in its struggles. It develops all it needs so when it does leave the cocoon, it is strong and complete and is able to operate on its own.

Both definitions call us toward discernment in matters of action, yet, both are aligned in terms of sentiment. We must discern when helping is hurting or when compassionate acts are more a function of our needs than those we seek to assist. We must discern the necessity and appropriateness of rendering aid for the well-being of another or allowing the struggle to foster capacities necessary for the life journey.

Extending compassion outwardly, and the clarity in doing so, begins with directing compassion inwardly. Pema Chodron states, “in order to have compassion for others, we have to have compassion for ourselves. In particular, to care about other people who are fearful, angry, jealous, overpowered by addictions of all kinds, arrogant, proud, miserly, selfish, mean- you name it- to have compassion and to care for these people, means not to run from the pain of finding these things in ourselves.”

Too often we are quick to shame ourselves without seeking to understand why we function as we do. This approach creates much of the pain that prevents us from identifying and owning the lesser angels of our nature. When fully understood, all behaviors are simply efforts to meet core needs…emphasis on needs.

The antithesis of compassion is judgment and condemnation. The negativity that we hold towards others, and ourselves, often emerges from a lack of understanding. I am always amazed by what happens to judgment and condemnation when we hear another person’s story. What we once may have criticized someone for is seen through a larger context where dots are connected and blanks properly filled in. In many cases, almost instantaneously, the negativity held toward another dissolves and understanding takes hold.

Plato’s instruction to us is wise- be kind; everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. If we can shift attention from judging, shaming and condemning to understanding, we move toward greater compassion and acceptance of ourselves and each other.

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When Life Hands You Lemonade…

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Most have heard the saying, “when life hands you lemons, make lemonade.” Coming off of a week of incredible good fortune, I began to wonder, “What happens when life hands you lemonade; a tall, ice-cold glass of the sweetest lemonade after being outdoors on the hottest day of the year?”

The tendency to overlook the positives and focus on the negatives appears to be a universal human trait. Consider the amount of time people spend complaining about one thing or another. Consider the amount of negativity reported in the news. Consider the popularity of television programs that emphasize conflict, chaos and discord.

What is it about human nature that compels us to see the glass as half empty so often? Interestingly there is an answer to that question. Rick Hanson, author of “Buddha’s Brain” refers to it as the “negativity bias”. Interestingly the negativity bias is perhaps what allowed me to be here to write this and you to be here reading it. It would appear this bias is the result of human evolution, resulting in a brain wired for heightened sensitivity to threat. As Hanson states, if you are walking through the forest and see an object in the distance, its best to assume it’s a snake, not a stick.

To keep our ancestors alive, Mother Nature evolved a brain that routinely tricked them into making three mistakes: overestimating threats, underestimating opportunities, and underestimating resources (for dealing with threats and fulfilling opportunities). This is a great way to pass on gene copies, but a lousy way to promote quality of life.
Rick Hanson

The heightened awareness of the negative has us protecting ourselves from threat when there are no sticks or snakes around. It would also appear to compromise our ability to have the same physiological, cognitive and emotional responsiveness in the presence of good fortune.

Granted, if I won the lottery, that half empty glass would certainly not appear so empty anymore. Indeed, there are more mundane experiences of good fortune that shift our attention away from the negative but the tendency to return attention to what is wrong, lacking or potentially threatening is an evolutionary default position of sorts.

Past learning affords us stereotyped response patterns to daily events that require no conscious thought. These automatic responses provide a degree of efficiency in getting through the day but leave us with a glass-half-empty perception of life that lurks in the unconscious. Overcoming the negativity bias, which would allow greater awareness of the moments when life hands us lemonade, require de-activating our auto-pilot function and activating the mindfulness function.

Mindfulness has gained increasing attention in recent decades. The benefits of meditation, yoga and other awareness practices have been documented and enjoyed by increasing numbers who experience longer periods of joy and peace and overall improved functioning in their lives.

A simple daily practice of gratitude is helpful in combating the bias that keeps us focused on the negative. Gratitude practice shifts attention from what we lack to what we have. Attention directs the mind, the mind directs the body and the outcomes of our lives follow. Being more attuned to lemons, we often overlook or take for granted the moments when life offers the lemonade. Despite the default mechanisms of the brain, we are capable of intentioned, directed and focused activity that offer a more realistic perception of our experiences.

So, what do we do when life hands us lemonade instead of lemons? First, be mindful of the good fortune that has come. Second, allow time to experience what it feels like for things to work out or to have a win. Let the experience dwell in the mind and body and don’t take it for granted. It matters not how big or small the victory, just savor the taste. Finally, and most importantly, be thankful, grateful and appreciative.

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Why Choose Hate When Love Feels So Much Better?

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Following my last blog post, I had a really good conversation with my cousin Rachel about race, hatred, illness, the soul, light and love. Rhetorically, she asked why is it that people choose hate when love feels so much better. Think about that for a moment…

In an attempt to reduce a complex multidimensional answer to a simple response, I stated that people are wounded in many ways and have not gone through the necessary processes to heal those wounds. Hurt people, hurt people as the saying goes. Wounding is inevitable but healing is a choice that requires work and courage.

The truth of the human experience is that we are all wounded in some way. Our efforts to cope with and heal from those wounds directly influence how we view and relate to ourselves and others. Racism is an unhealed wound that gives rise to anger and hate as well as guilt and shame. The inability to process through these difficult emotions in healthy and constructive ways gives rise to a myriad of behavioral and interpersonal dsyfunctionality further separating us from the essence of who we are at the core of our being – love.

Rachel, with conscious intention and psycho-spiritual maturity, walks the path of love. She walks in the footsteps of our grandmother; a generous and giving woman of extraordinary faith who was one of the most loving beings I have ever known. She also walks with courage and the awareness of a transcendent reality beyond the physical world that was only enhanced through her battle with cancer.

Diagnosed last year, she recently completed chemotherapy and radiation treatments and is currently cancer free. She maintained a positive attitude throughout the journey. With a strong faith in God and simply making up her mind that she would overcome the “monster”, she is in the final stages of her heroine’s journey.

So optimistic in the face of such devastating circumstances, her doctors believed she was in denial and recommended counseling. She was far from the denial. I once told her that one of the most important variables associated with overcoming any illness is a positive attitude.

As we spoke about her journey toward healing, she alluded to the lessons learned along the way and the internal shifting that occurred as a result of her process. It occurred to me that from a spiritual perspective, the journey, lessons, gifts, healing and growth was about much more than her medical diagnosis. Our souls are on a journey the physical body is in service to.

It is the awareness of the transcendent reality beyond physical being that allows my cousin and so many others to “look beyond and above and truly love their fellow man”. To them I say, spread it, model it and continue to illuminate the consciousness of those who remain in darkness.

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The Shadow of Race

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The shooting of Trayvon Martin by George Zimmerman thrust America, yet again, into its discomfort and dis-ease about matters of race. The trial of Zimmerman was a convergence of several key issues – race, inequities in the criminal justice system and biases that affect how see, perceive and respond to each other.

If any subject challenges the psyche of America, it is race. America is built on a foundation of racism, discrimination and oppression as much as it is on life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. The facts of history bear this truth yet there is profound to resistance acknowledging this darker underbelly of the American story in a meaningful way. And therein is the heart of the recurring discomfort brought forth by scenarios that place race in the consciousness of the individual and collective psyche.

I have been a practitioner of various forms of shadow work for several years and the concept of shadow is of profound importance in the discussion of race. A term associated with Jungian psychology, the shadow represents aspects of our psychological functioning split off from conscious awareness. Cast in shadow are the beliefs, thoughts, emotions and behaviors deemed unacceptable. Therefore they are split off, hidden, rejected, repressed or denied and often projected on to others.

Shadow work is essentially about getting honest. It is about taking ownership of these aspects of self and freeing the energy expended to keep this content beneath conscious awareness for health, wholeness and clarity. Lacking consciousness about aspects of self does not protect us from those elements influencing and shaping our functioning and outcomes in our lives. When outcomes are misaligned with conscious intent, some shadow element is likely at play. What lies in shadow is expressed, just indirectly and without consciousness.

The psychological inheritance of racist belief is a generational curse requiring significant intention and effort to exorcise from tradition. Racist values were not only taught in the home but reinforced throughout all levels of society – social, legal, economic and religious- as right, fair and just for centuries.

The relatively recent fight for civil rights, civil rights legislation and the growing consciousness of the inherent “wrongness” of systematic forms of racism resulted in a shift in American culture. It became increasingly unacceptable to hold openly racist and discriminatory attitudes once held with pride. What was once a badge of honor is now a source of shame. And where there is shame, there is often shadow.

The progress made toward racial equality occurred largely as a result of extrinsically motivated social, economic and political forces. Radical shifts on impersonal systemic levels occurred without the necessary psychological processes required for a transformation of mindsets, heart-sets and value-sets. The interior, psycho-spiritual and cultural dimensions were left unattended and therefore we are left with a schism between what is politically correct and what lives within.

Changes in the social climate toward political correctness led to an increasingly negative view of racist and prejudicial attitudes and biases. The result is racist ideologies or prejudices becoming split off, repressed or denied. So intense is the desire to dis-identify with such leanings (at least in mixed company) that what may be obvious to others is defended against by the self. Race exists not only as an individual shadow but powerfully as a collective shadow. Therefore, the manifestations of the racial shadow are met with a collective denial. Sophisticated arguments are often used to justify and rationalize behavior and deny shadow elements of the psyche.

To further the point, I recently commented on a Facebook post questioning the level of media attention given to the racial components of the Zimmerman story when high levels of black on black violence occur with such frequency.

“I think the posts highlighting black on black violence is peculiarly interesting…in context. It is not that I disagree with the need to address this topic or that it is tragic or that it is under/unaddressed by the media and the black community for that matter but it is being highlighted in context of what the Zimmerman/Martin circumstance brought to the consciousness of the American public. The Zimmerman case brought several issues we resist facing individually and collectively; particularly associated with matters of race, racism, perception and incongruence in the criminal justice system – among others. Everyone knows race is a difficult matter to address simply because it causes us to look inwardly at disowned parts of ourselves. Everyone agrees that race and racism are problems but no one owns this darker side of their own functioning. It is those “others” who are like that, not me. I am not saying that being racist or having racial biases and prejudices is the totality of any one person. We are far more complex beings with multiple dimensions of self. Nonetheless a dark, unacceptable side is denied and repressed in each of us about various things. Because of history, the sensitive nature of racial matters and disowned shame and guilt, I judge people are particularly sensitive about owning their biases and prejudices around race. When something triggers the awareness of disowned parts of self, we engage in various mechanisms to avoid the unacceptable truth. This is why I find the redirection of attention away from the issues the Zimmerman case raises to the subject of black on black violence peculiar. It seems avoidant and diversionary.”

I believe such avoidant tactics are expressions of shadow similar to efforts to question Trayvon Martin’s character. As the events of what occurred that night have been described, Zimmerman knew nothing of Martin’s history or character. His entire behavioral process was guided by assumptions based solely on physical appearance. The point I am making is about the efforts of others to find reasons to justify Zimmerman’s actions, deflect attention to unrelated matters or avoid the subject of race which has been activated as a result of an innocent young black male being suspected of wrong doing, followed and ultimately killed by a person of another race. These “efforts” serve as examples of how shadow manifests in indirect ways.

Efforts to address matters of race have occurred largely through social, political and judicial processes however we have failed miserably in confronting these issues psychologically. The challenge of exploring the psychological dimension of self or others is that it opens us to difficult truths and shades of gray when we prefer the certainty of a black and white, either/or perspective. The human experience is too complex to be reduced to such simplicities. I believe everyone could benefit from spending more time looking inward and getting honest with self. It is liberating and leads to more effective functioning in all aspects of life; especially in the interpersonal domain.

With regard to race, a whole lot of getting honest needs to occur among all groups. I encourage people to start with their own. The work of the dominant group is differs from the work of an oppressed group, however, work is required on both sides and work collectively is essential.

Unfortunately, few resources exist where one can descend into the issue of race in an honest, authentic and safe manner; however, I have seen powerful healing and transformation occur when individuals, regardless of race, embark on that inward journey in a sincere way.

The presence of race, once again, at the forefront of the collective discourse is a call to resolve what has gone unresolved. Resolution of our racial conflicts will not occur through exterior systemic solutions alone. They have assisted in righting horrendous wrongs however the interior dimensions of the individual and the collective – beliefs, feelings, morals, worldviews, communication, relationship – have been ignored. Until we address these interior dimensions with sincerity and authenticity it will only be a matter of time before America is thrust, yet again, into the discomfort and dis-ease of race.

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Through the Eyes of the Person You Seek to Become

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“Begin with the end in mind” reads a friends email signature. On most occasions the journey is the destination but having a clearly defined ending point is wise in most endeavors. Beginning with the end in mind allows us to start in a more focused and goal directed manner, mapping out the necessary action steps that will move us toward a desired outcome.

Being unclear of the end leaves us vulnerable to losing focus, becoming distracted and being led astray from what we are trying to accomplish. Vacations serve as a good analogy. Planning the trip begins with determining the destination. Any and all manner of preparation for the trip is contingent on that knowing.

Recently I posed the question, “have you looked at yourself through the eyes of the person you have become?” A related question relevant to anyone seeking to consciously evolve is, “have you looked at yourself through the eyes of the person you seek to become?”

The former question deals with realigning our self perception with the reality of the current self; the latter is concerned with aligning the current self with its vision for the future. What would the eyes of the future self behold as they peer into the mirror? What would characterize the nature of your being and doing? What would you see regarding your relationships, career and finances?

For those seeking change and growth, this is an exercise in envisioning what is possible. Envisioning and visualizing the future with intention and specificity is a powerful and an essential component of manifesting the life and self we desire. It is a process that aligns with the fundamental spiritual laws of attraction and intention. It is an exercise that inspires and motivates us toward, in the words of Neale Donald Walsch, becoming the grandest version of the greatest vision of ourselves. Begin with the end in mind. End with the manifested vision of the beginning.

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Through the Eyes of the Person You Have Become

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In 2004 I saw a movie titled, “What the Bleep Do We Know?” Movies are generally mindless activity for me; distractions to give my overactive mind reprieve from questioning and thinking and exploring and processing and figuring out and analyzing and so on. With the subject being quantum physics, neurology, molecular biology, and spirituality, this movie was anything but mindless entertainment. During the film a question was posed by a woman named Ramtha that struck me as very profound. “Have you ever looked at yourself through eyes of the person you have become?” This is more than likely my spin on her actual words but nonetheless the question remained with me.

Too often the lens of the past colors current reality. Too often life is seen through the negative messages internalized from childhood – messages about lacking worth, not being good enough, being unlovable, undeserving and so on. Fortunately we receive more affirming messages along way as well but it seems the voice of the negative has the loudest and most persistent echo in the psyche. To look at oneself through the eyes of the person you have become is to see yourself through the eyes of the knowledge and wisdom gained through life. It is to see through eyes that have endured and overcome, failed and succeeded, grown and matured.

I have interacted with several people over the years whom by all measures of society are successful. Many remain burdened by the messages of the past, viewing themselves through the eyes of a former self and from the distorted vision of others who shaped their self perception.

In the busy and hectic world we have created for ourselves we live most of our lives on autopilot; so much so that our self perception does not always catch up to our actual self – the self existing in the now, encompassing our growth, progress and evolution. It is more than a productive use of time to become conscious of who we are now, bringing into alignment self perception and actual self.

Reflect for a moment on the person you have become. What have you endured and overcome? In what areas of your life have you been successful? How are you stronger? In what ways are you more mature and wise than you were one year ago, five years ago, ten years ago? Reflecting on your experiences look deeply within and see yourself through the eyes of who you are now.

Wayne Dyer is quoted as saying, “If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” As we look upon ourselves with fresh eyes, we arrive at fresh perspectives, not only about ourselves but the world around us.

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Depression and Spirituality

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Several weeks ago I was asked to present a workshop on depression from a Biblical perspective. I would hardly classify myself as a Bible scholar so I found the request quite interesting but also an opportunity to grow in my knowledge of this sacred text.

Far more familiar with the subject from a mental health perspective, I began researching scriptural accounts of depression; rather symptoms of Biblical figures indicating depression. The term depression is not used in the Bible, however, based on descriptions of thought processes, mood and behavior one can infer this condition.

In mental health circles the causes and treatment of depression tend to focus on brain chemistry and/or our ability, or lack thereof, to cope with life circumstances “pressing down” on us. Constructing the presentation naturally led me to exploring the connection between spirituality and depression.

A feeling of emptiness often accompanies depression; a sense that something extremely important is lacking in our lives. That emptiness seems pervasive in our society giving rise to addictions, over-reliance on psychiatric medications and other unhealthy and ineffective ways of seeking joy, relief, comfort and a sense of well-being.

Many believe a deficit in meaningful connection is a major contributing factor to the emptiness felt by so many. Disconnection exists on many levels. We become disconnected from ourselves at early ages; a compromise necessary as we learn to navigate the large and complex world beyond the self.

Many experience levels of social isolation that have a profound impact on emotional functioning. As humans we are social beings by nature. Research on happiness and well-being is conclusive about the need for meaningful connection to others.

Lack of connection to something greater than or beyond self is not given the necessary consideration as an explanation for the emptiness felt by many people. In the arena of mental health, attention to the spiritual dimension as an important area of exploration and intervention is often lacking.

We have an abundance of religion, psychology and medication, yet, I see evidence of a pervasive thirst for a connection to and experience of the transcendent. Many institutions of religion seem to have departed from the core function of facilitating this process.

Based on scripture, the primary way out of the darkness of depression is a strong connection rooted in faith to something greater than self. Biblically speaking that is God. Faith implies the belief that regardless of one’s circumstances, God or a Power, Spirit, Source, Energy, Creator, Divinity exists that is unconditionally loving, accessible, inviting and receptive; always present, always available, and always working for the ultimate good of the individual and the collective. Our task is to remain aligned and connected.

The imagery of light is often used to symbolize God and depression is often characterized as darkness. The implication is that depression is essentially disconnection from God. Overcoming this condition, as implied by scripture, involves regaining one’s faith in God’s grace, mercy and love despite circumstances – war, rejection, humiliation, enslavement, loneliness, death of children, loss of possessions, isolation, illness, etc.

Prayer, meditation, praise and worship were strategies used by Biblical figures to reconnect to God and overcome emotional turmoil. Non pharmacological interventions used by mental health professionals today involve similarly address thought and behavior patterns; however, interventions that bring into consideration a spiritual element are often excluded from mental health treatment.

I am very critical of those whose only instruction is to pray and read your Bible in response to the emotional disturbances of life. Returning to a place of inner peace, joy and balance typically require more complex interventions. I am equally skeptical of ignoring the spiritual dimension when seeking to relieve mental and emotional distress.

As physical, psychological and spiritual beings it seems essential that we attend to each dimension of self. I suspect that much of the dis-ease and discord we experience individually and collectively result from living out of balance with our fundamental nature.

Life brings experiences and challenges often leading us into darkness and despair. Opening ourselves to the spiritual dimension offers an experience of something greater. Through connection to the transcendent we can source motivation, wisdom and inspiration to face these challenges and find our way back into the light.

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The Myth of Independence?

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Who or what causes your heart to beat? Who or what brings sight to your eyes? Who or what allows the cut on your arm to heal?

We need only look as near as our own bodies to come to an important realization- the limits of independence and the delusion of a completely self-contained, self-directed march through life.

American culture is deeply rooted in the idea of rugged individualism; the pick yourself up by your bootstraps mentality that assumes we do this thing called life by ourselves without the help, support or assistance of anyone.

Given that we rely on “something” other than ourselves for our very existence and the basic functions that allow us to lace up those boots, the individualism that defines our culture is called into question.

We do very little, if anything, absent the influence of external forces. All of life is relationship and we cannot not be in relationship. Whether in relationship to other people, to material objects or nature itself, our “self” is dependent upon and defined by repeated interactions with an “other”.

That first “other” is our primary caretaker who feeds, changes, clothes and comforts us in the initial years of life. As life unfolds we encounter other “others”. Repeated self/other interactions establish a unique signature that forms our self “I”mage- how we come to define ourselves and how we act, interact, relate and respond in all the ways life demands. The external world influences us and we influence the external world which in turn influences us. Throughout the course of life this feedback loop shapes and molds the self as well as self perception.

All aspects of self from genetics to response patterns is dependent upon something beyond the self, yet, undeniably an “I” stands at one end of the self/other dynamic. This “I” or self must intention and act for anything to occur in one’s life.

I must be self-directed, accountable and most importantly assume responsibility for the direction of my life. I make the choices that determine the course and quality of my life and I have to lace up my boots to co-create the outcomes I desire. I can get all the help, support and encouragement in the world to make a choice but ultimately it is one that only I, within the confines of self where no other exists, can make. It is within the same interiority of self where I feel and experience the joys or pains of the choices I make. In the solitary aloneness of my being exists, perhaps, the only independence I can experience.

Life is filled with paradox and the polarities. At one pole of life is there is dependence, at the other, independence. The middle path of interdependence honors and embraces both and constitutes what I believe is a fundamental reality of the human condition.

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Belief

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I often wonder what deeply held beliefs of modern times will be looked upon with laughter at some point in the future. Given the lessons of history, the passion in which certain beliefs are held is an interesting phenomenon.

It is an understandable phenomenon given the need for an organizing structure to bring order and meaning to life. The existing reservoir of meaning-making content that serves as our belief systems spares us from the exhaustive process of analyzing data to understand and draw conclusions about each and every experience.

This lens of perception through which we look upon the world is shaped by experience throughout life. Exposure to novel information has the potential to alter and widen this lens by expanding the pool of information available to make sense of our experiences.

Though beliefs are amenable to change at all stages of development, we become less open to new ideas that may challenge existing beliefs as we age. The notion of being old and set in one’s ways is a statement of this reality.

Exposure to new ideas that shake the foundation of deeply held beliefs results in a form of psychological discomfort known as dissonance. Often such moments are met with resistance but they are usually opportunities for growth and expansion.

We avoid discomfort physically and psychologically; yet, it is through the discomfort of change that progress occurs. The same growing pains that accompany physical development occur as our belief systems develop and mature.

To paraphrase, “when I was a child, I thought like a child. As an adult I put away childish ways.” I believe this statement speaks to the ongoing maturation process afforded us throughout the life span…if we are open.

I had to put away the ways of my twenties to mature into the man I am in my forties. Many of the thoughts and beliefs of this decade will someday be looked upon as childish from the perspective of the sixty year old I will become.

History is filled with pioneers who challenged antiquated systems of belief at the expense of ridicule, condemnation, and sometimes their lives. Were it not for those brave souls, we may still think the earth is flat or execute women for witchcraft. Were it not for those willing to challenge the conventional wisdom of their time, much of what we embrace in the modern day would not have come to pass.

Individuals have always been faced with the question, “which side of history will you be on?” A select few dare and defy in service of advancing consciousness and a select few vehemently resist, holding on to archaic ways of thought and behavior. The majority are content with the status quo until a critical mass is reached and change takes place.

I believe in each of our lives we are pioneers in some way and in other aspects of our lives we resist the evolutionary impulse. To quote from the Star Trek television series, “resistance is futile.”

Whether resistance manifests through denial or persecution, it is futile. Change is constant and progress is inevitable. The result is evolution. We live in a progressive Universe and the impulse toward expansion is a force that is ultimately beyond human control. It is the Divine forward moving current of life. We can swim against it or flow in alignment with it but sooner or later we will be swept away by it.

Consider the areas of your life where you embrace growth and expansion and where you resist. In what aspects of your life are you being called to change, grow and evolve? What beliefs, whether about the larger society or yourself, are no longer in service to your joy, peace and wellbeing?

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